The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year Read online

  Dr Lumbogo laughed and said, ‘Your wife is afraid of the splashing, Dr Bee. Your aprons are inadequate for her needs.’ He lowered his voice dramatically. ‘I should not breach the laws of confidentiality, but my own mother makes our flat bread wearing an old flour sack. Women are mysterious creatures, Dr Bee.’

  ‘There are other things,’ said Brian. ‘She cries at the television news: earthquakes, foods, starving children, pensioners who’ve been beaten for their life savings. I came home from work one evening to find her sobbing over a house fire in Nottingham!’

  ‘There were fatalities?’ asked Dr Lumbogo.

  ‘Two,’ said Brian. ‘Kiddies. But the mother — single parent, of course — still had three left!’ Brian fought to control his tears. ‘She needs something chemical. Her emotions are up hill and down dale. The whole household is upside down. There’s nothing in the fridge, the laundry basket is chock-a-block, and she’s even been asking me to dispose of her body waste.’

  Dr Lumbogo said, ‘You’re very agitated, Dr Bee.’

  Brian began to cry. ‘She was always there, in the kitchen. Her food was so delicious. My mouth would water as soon as I got out of the car. The smell must have seeped out of the gaps in the front door.’ He took a tissue from the box that the doctor pushed towards him and mopped his eyes and nose.

  The doctor waited for Brian to compose himself.

  When he was calm again, he began to apologise. ‘I’m sorry I blubbed … I’m under a lot of strain at work. One of my colleagues has written a paper questioning the statistical validity of my work on Olympus Mons.’

  Dr Lumbogo asked, ‘Dr Bee, have you taken Cipralex before?’ and reached for his prescription pad.

  18

  The district nurse, 42-year-old Jeanette Spears, had been very disapproving when Dr Lumbogo asked her to visit a healthy woman who wouldn’t get out of bed.

  As she drove her little Fiat car towards the respectable district where Mrs Eva Beaver lived, small tears of self-pity misted her spectacles, which looked as though they had been dispensed by an optician sympathetic to the Nazi aesthetic. Nurse Spears did not allow herself feminine embellishment — there was nothing to soften the hard life she had chosen for herself. The thought of a healthy woman wallowing in bed made her sick, it really did.

  Jeanette was up, showered, uniform on, bed made, lavatory Harpic’d, and downstairs by 7 a.m. Any later and she began to panic — but, sensibly, she kept brown paper bags in strategic places, and after a few inhalations and exhalations she was soon tickety-boo again.

  Mrs Beaver was her last patient. It had been a difficult morning: Mr Kelly with the severely ulcerated legs had begged her for some stronger pain relief but, as she had told him time and time again, she could not give him morphine. There was a clear and present danger that he could become addicted.

  Mr Kelly’s daughter had shouted, ‘Dad’s ninety-two!

  Do you think he’s going to end up in a squat, injecting heroin into his fucking eyeballs?’

  Jeanette had snapped her nursing bag shut and left the Kelly household without dressing his legs. She would not be sworn at, nor would she listen to a patient’s relatives telling her how to do her job.

  She used fewer palliative care drugs than any other district nurse in the county. It was official. Written down. She was very proud of that fact. But she couldn’t help thinking that there ought to have been a ceremony with a plaque or cup handed to her by a VIP from the Regional Health Authority — after all, she must have saved them tens of thousands of pounds over the years.

  She drew up outside Eva’s house and sat for a moment. She could tell a lot from the exterior of a patient’s home. It was always encouraging to see a flourishing hanging basket.

  There was no hanging basket in Eva’s porch. However, there was a bird feeder with splodges of bird droppings underneath on the black and white tiled floor. There were unrinsed milk bottles on the step. Leaflets for pizza, curry and Chinese takeaways had been blown into the corners together with dead sycamore leaves. The coconut-fibre mat had not been shaken for some time. A terracotta plant saucer had been used as an ashtray.

  To Nurse Spears’ disgust the front door was slightly open. She rubbed the brass doorknob with one of the antibacterial wipes she always carried in her pocket. She could hear male and female laughter coming from upstairs. She pushed the door open and went in. She climbed the stairs and headed towards the laughter. Nurse Spears could not remember the last time she had laughed aloud. The bedroom door was ajar, so she knocked and went straight in.

  There was a glamorous woman in the bed, wearing a grey silk camisole and pale-pink lipstick. She was holding a bag of Thorntons Special Toffee. A younger man was sitting on the bed, chewing.

  Jeanette announced, ‘I’m Jeanette Spears, I’m the community nurse. Dr Lumbogo asked me to call. You are Mrs Beaver?’

  Eva nodded. She was trying to free a lump of toffee from a wisdom tooth with her tongue.

  The man on the bed got to his feet. ‘I’m the window cleaner,’ he said.

  Jeanette frowned. ‘I see no ladder, no bucket, no chamois leather.’

  ‘I’m not on duty.” he said, with difficulty — due to the toffee. ‘I’ve come to see Eva.’

  And bring her a gift of toffee, I see,’ said Nurse Spears.

  Eva said, ‘Thank you for coming, but I’m not ill.’

  ‘Have you undergone medical training?’ asked Nurse Spears.

  ‘No,’ said Eva, who could see where this exchange was leading. ‘But I’m fully qualified to have an opinion about my own body, I’ve been studying it for fifty years.

  Nurse Spears had known that she would not get on with anybody in this household. Whoever put those unrinsed milk bottles on the step was clearly a monster.

  ‘Your notes tell me you intend to stay in your bed for at least a year.’

  Eva could not take her eyes off Nurse Spears, who was buttoned up, belted, shiny clean and looked like a wizened child in school uniform.

  ‘I’ll get out of your way. Thanks for listening, Eva. I’ll see you tomorrow I know you’ll be in,’ Peter said, laughing.

  When he’d gone, Nurse Spears unbuttoned her navy gaberdine coat. ‘I’d like to examine you for pressure sores.’

  Eva said, ‘There are no sores. I apply cream to the pressure points twice a day.’

  What do you use?’

  ‘Chanel body lotion.’

  Nurse Spears could hardly conceal her contempt. Well, if you want to throw your money away on such an extravagance, go ahead.’

  ‘I will.” said Eva. ‘Thank you.’

  There was something about Nurse Spears that disturbed Eva. She sat up straight in bed and tried to look cheerful.

  ‘I’m not ill,’ she said again.

  ‘Not physically ill, perhaps, but there must be something wrong with you. It’s certainly not normal to want to stay in bed for a year, chewing toffees, is it?’

  Eva had a couple of chews on her toffee and said, ‘Forgive my bad manners, would you like some?’ She proffered the bag of Thorntons.

  Nurse Spears hesitated, then said, ‘Perhaps a small piece.’

  After a thorough physical examination — during which the nurse ate two more quite large lumps of toffee (it was unprofessional of her, but she had always been comforted by confectionery) — she carried out a mental health evaluation.

  She asked, What is today’s date?’

  Eva thought for a moment, then admitted that she didn’t know.

  ‘Do you know what month we’re in?’

  Are we still in September, or is it October?’

  Nurse Spears said, ‘We’re in the third week of October.’ Then she asked if Eva knew the name of the current Prime Minister.

  Again, Eva hesitated. ‘Is it Cameron …? Or is it Cameron and Clegg?’

  Nurse Spears said, ‘So, you’re not certain who the British Prime Minister is?’

  Eva said, ‘I’ll go for Cameron.’

&nb
sp; ‘You have hesitated twice, Mrs Beaver. Are you aware of day-to-day events?’

  Eva told Nurse Spears that she used to be very interested in politics and would often watch the parliamentary channel in the afternoon when she was ironing. It enraged her when apathetic non-voters maintained that all politicians were ‘in it for what they could get’. She would lecture them in her head on the importance of the democratic process, and would stress the long and tragic history of the fight for universal suffrage — telling them, erroneously, that a racehorse had died for the vote.

  But since Iraq, Eva had been vociferous in her condemnation of the political class. Her language on the subject was not measured. Politicians were ‘lying, cheating, warmongering bastards’.

  Nurse Spears said, ‘Mrs Beaver, I’m afraid I’m one of your despised apolitical non-voters. Now, I’d like to take some blood, for Dr Lumbogo.’

  She wrapped a tourniquet around Eva’s upper arm, and took the cap off a large syringe. Eva looked at the needle. The last time she’d seen one that size had been on a documentary about hippopotamuses in Botswana, and the hippo had been sedated.

  Nurse Spears said, ‘Sharp scratch.” then the small mobile phone she wore on her belted uniform dress vibrated. When she saw Mr Kelly’s number, she was incensed. While still drawing blood from Eva she used one hand to put the call on speaker.

  The first sound that Eva heard was a man screaming as though he were being burned alive.

  Then a woman came on the line and yelled, ‘Spears? If you are not back here in five minutes with sufficient morphine to control Dad’s pain.’ I’ll put a pillow over his face! And I’ll kill him!’

  Nurse Spears said, quite calmly, ‘Your father has had the correct quota of Tramadol for his age and condition. Any more opiates could result in over-sedation, coma and death.’

  ‘That’s what we want!’ shouted the woman. We want him out of it. We want him dead!’

  And that would be patricide and you would go to prison. And I have a witness here with me.’

  Nurse Spears looked at Eva and waited for her to nod.

  Eva leaned towards the phone and shouted, ‘Send for an ambulance! Take him to Accident and Emergency. They’ll control his pain and ask Nurse Spears why she’s left a patient in such agony.’

  Mr Kelly’s screams down the phone were unbearable. Eva’s heart was beating as fast as a clockwork drummer.

  Nurse Spears pushed the needle further into Eva’s arm, jerked it free and simultaneously terminated the call.

  Eva gave a shout of pain. ‘You could be in a lot of trouble. Why won’t you give him what he needs?’

  Nurse Spears said, ‘Blame Harold Shipman. He killed over two hundred patients with morphine. We professionals have to be cautious now’

  Eva said, ‘I can’t bear it.’

  Nurse Spears said, ‘I’m paid to bear it.’

  19

  Over the following days, Alexander managed to see Eva on many occasions. In between other jobs he moved the radio, the television, the bedside tables, the phone, the seascape pictures, the model of the solar system with Jupiter missing and, last of all, Eva’s Billy bookcase which she had bought from Ikea.

  He had an identical one at home, though the books could not have been more different.

  Alexander’s books were immaculate heavy volumes, the size of small tea trays, on art, architecture, design and photography. Such was their combined weight that the bookcase had been attached to the wall with long masonry screws. Eva’s books were English, Irish, American, Russian and French fiction classics. Some were tattered paperbacks, some were Folio first editions. Madame Bovary was in close proximity to Tom Jones, and Rabbit Redux had been placed next to The Idiot. Poor, plain Jane Eyre was flanked by David Copperfield and Lucky Jim. The Little Prince rubbed shoulders with A Clergyman’s Daughter.

  She said, ‘I’ve had many of them since I was a teenager. I bought most of the Penguins at the Leicester market.’

  Alexander asked, ‘You’re keeping them, of course?’

  ‘No,’ said Eva.

  ‘You can’t let these go,’ he said.

  Will you take them in?’ she asked, making the books sound as though they were orphans searching for a home.

  ‘I’ll gladly take the books, but I can’t house another bookcase. I live in a thimble,’ he said. ‘But what about Brian and the children — won’t they want them?’

  ‘No, they’re numbers people, they distrust words. So, you’ll take the books to your house?’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll do that.’

  Eva said, Will you lie to me and promise to read them? Books need to be read. The pages need to be turned.’

  ‘Man, you’re in love with those books. Why are you giving them away?’

  ‘Since I learned to read I’ve used them as a kind of anaesthetic. I can remember nothing about the twins being born, apart from the book I was reading.’

  And what was it?’

  ‘It was The Sea, The Sea. I was thrilled to have two babies in my arms, but — and you’ll think this is awful — after twenty minutes or so I wanted to get back to my book.’

  They laughed at this flouting of the maternal instinct.

  Eva asked Alexander if he would take the bookcase to Leeds for Brianne. She sorted her jewellery and put aside all the valuable pieces — a diamond ring, bought by Brian and presented to her on their tenth wedding anniversary, several eighteen-carat gold chains, three slim silver bracelets, a necklace made of Mallorcan pearls, and platinum earrings in the shape of a fan with black onyx drops hanging from them, which she had bought for herself. Then she scribbled a note on a page torn from Alexander’s notebook.

  My darling girl,

  As you can see, I have sent you the family jewellery. I have no use for it any more. All the gold is eighteen carat, and the stuff that looks like silver is platinum. It may not be to your taste, but I beg you to hold on to it. I know you have sworn never to marry or have a child, but you may change your mind. You might have a daughter one day who will enjoy wearing some of it. Tell Brian Junior I will send him something of equal value. It would be lovely to hear from you.

  Al1 my love,

  Mum

  PS: The pearls are genuine and the diamonds were cut in Antwerp (they are D grade — the best — and have no inclusions). So, please, however poor you may be, do not be tempted to sell or pawn any of this jewellery without consulting me about the value.

  PPS: I suggest you keep it in a security box in a bank. I enclose a cheque to cover your expenses.

  She was still left with a huge amount of stuff. There were four drawers under the bed, in which were:

  a Chanel handbag with gold chain handle

  a pair of binoculars

  three watches

  a gold-plated powder compact

  three evening bags

  a silver cigarette case

  a Dunhill lighter

  a lump of plaster into which twin hands and feet had been pressed

  a stopwatch

  a certificate to prove that Eva had once attended an advanced First Aid course

  a tennis racquet

  five torches

  a small but heavy model of Lenin

  an ashtray from Blackpool (complete with tower)

  a pile of Valentine’s Day cards from Brian.

  One card said:

  I will love you until the world ends,

  Brian

  PS: World predicted to end in five billion years (Red Giant expansion during end of Solar Main Sequence).

  There was also:

  a Swiss Army knife with forty-seven tools (only tweezers used)

  a Hermès silk scarf with a white horse design on a blue background

  five pairs of designer sunglasses, each in a case three travel clocks

  diaries scrapbooks photograph albums two baby books.

  Tomorrow, Alexander said, he would take the carpet up, ready to start painting. Before he left the room he asked, ‘Eva, have y
ou eaten today?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘How can he go to work and leave you hungry?’

  ‘It’s not Brian’s fault. We keep different hours.’ Eva was very critical of Brian’s behaviour sometimes to herself, but she did not like him being criticised by others.

  Alexander foraged downstairs and found a banana, half a packet of cream crackers and five small triangles of Laughing Cow. He also found a flask and filled it with drinking chocolate.

  When Brian came home from work, Alexander was washing up the cups that he and Eva had used throughout the day. Alexander watched him picking his way through the black bags and boxes on the hall floor.

  Brian said, ‘I’m thinking of asking you for rent soon. You’re getting to be a permanent fixture. I shall be buying you a birthday card next.’

  ‘I’m working for Eva, Brian.’

  ‘Oh, it’s work, is it? So, how does she pay you?’

  ‘Cheque.’

  ‘Cheque! Nobody uses cheques any more,’ scoffed Brian. ‘I hope you’re not going to leave this crap lying around.’

  ‘I’m taking most of it to Oxfam.’

  Brian laughed. Well, if Eva thinks she’ll be helping the poor by donating her old knickers, let her. The rest of us know that the so-called “charity” bosses drive around Mogadishu in Lamborghinis, chucking a few handfuls of rice at the destitute and starving.’

  Alexander said, ‘I would hate to be you, man. Your heart must look like them ugly pickled walnuts they sell at Christmas. Naasty tings!’

  ‘I’m one of the most compassionate men I know,’ said Brian. ‘Every month the sum of ten pounds is taken out of my bank account by direct debit, which enables an African family to feed and care for two water buffalo. It shouldn’t be too long before they’re exporting Fair Trade mozzarella. And if you think that by affecting a West Indian patois I will be intimidated by you, you’re wrong. I’ve got a pal called Azizi — he’s African, but he’s a good chap.’